IT’S A LONG ONE. Evaluate carefully before sliding into this black hole, lulz.

So. “Do you guys ever fight?” This is a question I get nearly every single day. It’s also one question that I never answer directly because it serves no purpose in my opinion. Being able to know if a couple argues/fights/has conflicts and how much they do it, is irrelevant to the course of your own relationship. Just like anyone telling you how much they weigh is not going to help you get to the right weight for your body, in the same way knowing if someone argues too much with their spouse or not, is not going to help you reach the “right level” of conflicts for your equation. What you can do, is see someone being healthy in their body, being fit enough to do things they like/want to do and then use that as inspiration to find the right level of fit for yourself. In the same manner, you can see someone being healthy in their relationship and use that as inspiration to find the right level of balance for yours.

Not do a tally of fights to see who fights how much and for how long. But to aim for the overarching concept of a general level of peace in your relationship.

I know I say this a lot but it is what it is: There is never one formula to anything. Every relationship has not just its own dynamic but also its own life. The way you handle conflicts and arguments just doesn’t differ according to your personalities but varies by how much time you’ve spent together. So before I jump into what works for me, I want to make sure we all understand this: The first and most important thing for anyone should be to figure out their OWN relationship dynamic, irrespective of how happy or content or amazing someone else’s dynamic might appear to be. No external comparison, only internal reflection.

That being said, I think it’s amazing to have good inspiration for anything in life. I’m one of those people who really believe you’re defined by your company. What you have around you is what becomes you. If you have honest, content, good-to-each-other couples around, you’ll learn from them. I personally feel so happy and pick up so much from some of my friends’ relationships when I see them being good together. Again, not comparison, but good inspiration.

Like previous posts, I shall share what works for me, and perhaps, maybe it will end up being good thinking points for some of you.

Splitting this into three sections – in no particular order, let us discuss? Things I like to believe in:

PART 1: DURING A CONFLICT/WHILE ONE PERSON IS UPSET

1. No sulking.

I think a lot of the times when we get upset, we tend to keep it in and wait for the other person to kind of figure out what they did wrong or that you’re upset. Something I’ve taught myself over the years is that there is no point in expecting someone to get inside your head. Everyone’s got full lives and everyone’s dealing with things. If I love someone, I don’t want to test them. I’d rather just tell them what’s bothering me so they can work on making it ok. So I personally don’t like sulking at all. I’m just not someone who can sit in a corner and wait for the other to come find me and my issue. If I don’t like something that Nabeel did or said, I immediately communicate it to him. “I’m not talking to you” is my standard line and it just discards the 4-5 hours worth of quiet sulking that can happen otherwise. I also hold too much value for my own time to waste it doing nothing but brood over a problem. The less time I spend being upset is the more time I spend doing something valuable for myself. (Of course, if you need time to be upset, that’s different).

2. But also knowing when to communicate.

While I don’t like to keep Nabeel in the dark about something that may have bothered me, I also make sure whatever actions I take aren’t selfish. Why I don’t sit and sulk is because I find informing Nabeel immediately, to be something that’s healthier for our relationship. However, if informing him at a certain time is going to cause him stress or pain or take away from a happy moment for example, then that information sharing is solely for my own benefit and not the relationship. Sometimes, it’s better to let that person have their moment (e.g. if he’s super excited about something, I don’t want to kill his joy) or not embarrass them in front of someone else (e.g. if we’re in public). It’s okay sometimes to wait.

3. Not saying what you don’t mean.

I’ve often heard people even in platonic relationships say something like this: “Bas, I’m not going to keep any expectations from you”. This has to be one of the biggest false statements ever. When we’re in a meaningful relationship, it’s impossible to not have expectations from the other person. Forget about being impossible, it’s wrong to not have expectations. A healthy relationship requires that we allow expectations of ourselves and in return allow them from others. Expectation is not an ugly reality, it’s a beautiful, nurturing concept. It allows softness into our hearts and comfort into our relationship. I feel like when we keep repeating things we don’t mean, we weaken the dynamic of a conflict. Have you ever seen when we give empty threats to a child, he/she kind of toughens up against it. They stop believing in our threat because they know it’s not true. Saying what you don’t mean distracts your partner. I try to not say things that I actually don’t even trust myself to follow through on. If it’s a healthy dynamic, we will always have expectations from our partner, so it’s better to concentrate on what we do mean, and not something that’s an empty line.

4. Asking for what you want.

I ask for things in life, that I find correct for me, no matter what. If my coffee’s not the right temperature, I ask the barista to heat it up. If someone is not allowing me my rights, I assert myself firmly. I’m clear on asking for things I want for myself  – big or small – and in arguments I apply the same principle. We don’t sit around playing guessing games with other people in our lives and so I don’t play games with my partner too. In a conflict, I openly communicate what I want. And I openly communicate what will make me feel better. Gently telling your spouse what you need from them, only helps keep things clear. Ego, frustration, are not the drivers in my relationship, only I am, so I let myself ask for what I want, always.

5. Your tone defines everything.

How acidic you are in your speech can often swerve a conversation in different directions. I personally cannot handle if someone is extremely caustic in their tone with me and so I apply the same back to others. People listen better when they don’t feel attacked.

6. Not believing that your partner is meant to be the one to take all your shit.

When I was younger, I’d see so many people talk about how their partner takes all their shit and they could truly be themselves with them and say just about anything. Being yourself with your partner is one thing but giving them “all your shit” is something else. One thing I’ve developed a lot of value for generally in life is ‘lihaaz’. The concept of giving respect to a relationship for the time you’ve spent together, the attachment you share, the love you’ve grown. It’s nice to have someone to unload all the bad stuff in your life with BUT there’s a difference between sharing the nasty and making them the target of the nasty. No one deserves to face the bad behavior for someone else’s mistake. If you have a bad day at work, and you come and regularly snap at your family, that’s not them being the heroes and taking all your shit, that’s them tolerating your bad manners. We have to separate the idea that a loved one has to take all our bad moods. I love sharing with Nabeel when I’m upset with someone, but if I channel it incorrectly and make his day worse for what someone else did to me, then I’m doing a disservice to my relationship. He is not meant to ‘take’ all my shit, he is there to share the burden with – which honestly always has a much better outcome; taking things out on someone overall sours the dynamic, venting with someone helps give comfort.

7. Apologizing when you do hand out shit.

We’re all humans at the end of the day and sometimes despite knowing what’s good for us, many of us do behave poorly and make our partner go through something they shouldn’t. In that case, it’s important to apologize and accept you messed up as urgently as possible. If Nabeel and I ever even mildly snap at each other for something as trivial as “I don’t know where you put something”, we immediately hug and apologize.

8. To not make one problem about another.

If the problem isn’t about your spouse’s parents, don’t bring them in. Your opinion in an argument should be solid enough on its own, it shouldn’t need crutches of a past argument to strengthen it. Bringing in other people’s behaviors or someone’s past mistakes evolves the argument into something it’s not.

9. Ask to be apologized to if you need that. 

Just ask to be apologized to. Sometimes people will not know what *you* want to hear. They respond best according to their emotional capacities. And sometimes conflicts grow disproportionately because one person is not saying what the other wants to hear. For a physical injury, we often ask the doctor ‘this is my specific pain, what can I do for it’ and even if he/she suggests something and we’re not satisfied, we press them for another solution. With emotional injuries, it’s okay to press for the same. Asking for what I want has been one of the biggest enablers of my relationship. Sometimes, we just ask each other to apologize and move on to better things.

10. Repetition is the name of the game.

It would be an ideal world if we could have an argument with our partner, resolve it and never have to handle it again. But for most people, it’s often the same issue that keeps coming back. It’s so important to internalize that despite endless discussions, some things will take time to neutralize. As long as it’s not an issue that compromises your self-respect, like cheating or abuse, for many conflicts, you can safely accept that a final resolution will come through after repetition. You will have to discuss and handle some issues many, many times before it comes to a point where you’re both satisfied. Trust the process, be okay with handling a problem multiple times.

PART 2: BEFORE A CONFLICT

Conflict management includes a very important aspect that comes much before an actual fight happens: removing the source of conflict. Often we can avoid a conflict just by going to the trigger and getting rid of it. I want to talk about some things that I feel unnecessarily feed into conflicts and can be eliminated entirely just by fixing our perspective.

1. I don’t like to test my partner.

I refuse to test Nabeel. We’re in a relationship not in a timed exam. Some of my friends sit on anniversary dates, birthdays, wondering if their spouse will remember. Your anniversary dates is just as much yours as it’s his and if one of you remembers, that’s good enough, as long as both can enjoy it equally. Sometimes one person can forget, sometimes the other, sometimes both. It’s fine. We honestly start talking about each others’ birthdays etc so far in advance, there’s no room to forget – because the starting goal is to enjoy that day, not to test each other on who remembers what. Even aside from ‘important’ dates, if I know Nabeel will slip on something unknowingly, I give him that space, as he gives it to me. Testing your partner on things they don’t know they’re being tested on unnecessarily weakens an equation. Your gut, your intuition will always tell you if your partner cares for you or not, so relying on unimportant-in-the-bigger-picture things as a test of love doesn’t take you anywhere.

2. Don’t pretend to be one way when you want things the other way. 

If you want a something (like a gift, for example), just ask for it. Don’t say you don’t want something and then silently expect it. Be clear and just remove the source of silly conflicts.

3. Cut out the drama.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen many people create issues when none exist. Self-created drama is a terrible personality trait and the only way this can be handled is through introspection and self-correction.

4. Talk to each other about how you like to be treated in a fight. 

When you’re not actually fighting (and probably grabbing a burger, preferably with fries), tell each other how you like to be treated in a fight. Do you want to be hugged and told something specific. Do you want to be given a few minutes or hours by yourself. Tell each other how you like things to be handled so the other person is informed and can hopefully behave accordingly (this might require a few arguments to get through, go back to the point on ‘repetition’ heh).

PART 3: GENERAL THINGS RELATED TO CONFLICT

1. Not obsessing over one thing and ignoring others. 

Sometimes, we find issues in people because we obsess over one thing while completely ignoring another. In the earlier days of our marriage, Nabeel wasn’t so liberal with saying ‘I love you’. I could have sat and obsessed over this but I also realized that he was incredibly loving in so many other ways – he’d tell me he missed me every single day, always spoke to me extremely lovingly. Obsessing over the “standard” expression of love would have distracted me from all the other expressions of love he was already showing. Similarly, I never use affectionate nicknames for him but he always has some for me and even general things like asking for water is packaged super lovingly by him. He can also obsess over that but he can clearly see my expression of love in other things. Look at the overall picture always; singular focus often comes only when we compare our lives with another or thinking that what others say is the only right way (there is never just one right way).

2. Always self-reflect.

It’s easy to find fault in someone else and harder to understand where you’re doing wrong yourself. I always try and keep myself aware of things I don’t do right and focus on feedback for myself as much as for anyone else. Especially because Nabeel is a very kind person generally and does not voice all grievances he may have. I understood this about him over time and now I know when he may be feeling off about something but won’t necessarily communicate to me. It’s important for me to fill these gaps for myself and not just focus on what he won’t do right.

3. Understand your personalities and your OWN DYNAMIC.

How a conflict progresses depends largely on the personalities existing within that argument. With no intent to brag, I am very sorted in a conflict (I understand this about me, and I’ve always been told this by Nabeel and friends) so I never get to monster destruction levels. Nabeel is very calm as a person and I’ve seen him angry about two times in my life (actual reported figures). Both of us together are supremely mild in a conflict and we often look like we are just chatting when discussing an issue. Why am I sharing this? To tell you that even when someone is seemingly “phenomenal” at managing an argument, that still does not mean that that is the ideal conflict model. It is for us, yes. For everyone else, no. We all have to understand our personalities, our dynamic, what works for one person, what works for both together. Some people are more animated, some need to raise their volume to vent, some need time off, some need distance. Find what works for YOU. All this advice on “never go to bed angry” type stuff – it works for some, it worsens things for others. Some people DO need to sleep over an argument. Some people do need to bang doors and get a minute to themselves. Figure out your dynamic, and work with that. Also something to remember: Expressing something passionately in an argument is not the same as abuse, disrespect, breaking things, violence – space to express emotion is one thing, space for causing harm is another.

4. Give your relationship time.

After 13 years of knowing each other, Nabeel and I are very settled in our relationship. We understand each other to a much higher degree than when we first met. In the beginning of any relationship, as you are discovering each other’s likes and dislikes, temperaments and attitudes, conflicts will exist more. Give it time, as you acclimate to one another slowly, things do chill out. My arguments with Nabeel, now having been together for so long, are now pretty much once in a blue moon, over everyday stuff like “why’d you load the dishwasher so much” (anyone else have this annoying problem, please help) or “you’re scratching the haandi with the chamach, stop doing it” (you know it).

5. Accept that conflicts are normal.

We argue with whoever we live with. With our parents, siblings, even if we spend too many days nonstop with our best friends, we argue with them. So there’s no big deal about arguing with your spouse and there’s no reason for this to be seen as such as a taboo. It’s normal.

6. Although, conflicts should not become your normal. 

I say this specifically because our society always aggressively pushes for an entirely incompatible, toxic couple to survive together, because an unhappy marriage is preferred over happy singlehood. While keeping in mind that arguments are a part of life, you still have to evaluate that your general state of being is not existing within a fight. Intense, persistent ideological/compatibility issues aren’t probably not an acceptable thing for your general peace of mind and growth as a person. Only you can figure out what your balance has to be, but it’s important to not delude yourself into taking any and all kinds of conflicts. Conflicts are absolutely a part of life, but they should not be your entire life.

7. Keep the respect. 

Sharing an opinion with a loud voice is not the same as swearing at each other. Keep it clean, keep it assertive and you can have a healthy conflict without insulting each other.

8. No one deserves your kindness more than your loved one.

At the end of the day, our personal goal is to treat each other with kindness. There is no point being socially known as the “life of a party”, “most funny friend”, “most helpful”, if you’re not bringing the same sentiment back home to your spouse. We’re often on our best behavior with people who don’t matter as much; but it’s our life partners who deserve our kindness before anyone else. Did Nabeel and I always have this level of understanding with each other? Obviously not. But we’ve always, always had kindness towards one another.

9. No argument is bigger than my relationship.

Simply put, I love my relationship at all times more than I love the argument. Which is why I would never allow any argument to ever get bigger than my equation with Nabeel.

10. Lastly, if it’s not equal….

All these points do not mean compromising on one person’s end incessantly. I’m not suggesting a woman sacrifices her everything to cater to her husband’s wishes and entirely destroy herself in the process. No one is required to be an all-understanding entity. These are all behaviors I perform myself and then expect equally back from Nabeel. There is no one-way eternal sacrifice, either both get in and do their parts otherwise unfortunately one person continues to suffer. Only when two people work together on a conflict, it helps the relationship, otherwise it’s just one of them sacrificing in an unfulfilling way.

11. Your conflict management rules can be the weirdest ones in the book but if they make your relationship work well for you, reject anything anyone tells you, and do your own thing. Simple.

A healthy relationship does not mean zero conflicts. It means two people who can manage their conflict in a healthy way. You don’t have to be laughing, dancing all the time. You just have to treat each other well, whether it’s a good situation or a bad one.

I can see half of you have passed out by the end of this, but the other half that’s still with me, please hand out some water to the victims and here’s a box of jalebis to celebrate because the fact that you’re here…..well, that’s everything.