You know those stupid things people feel compelled to ask or say? Particularly from those humans who you’re not close to at all and yet they feel the sudden urge to infiltrate all aspects of your life, like a special ops military mission designed to attack and destroy its designated target (you)?
We’re going to talk about them.
So based on my own personal experience and those of my close, wounded, friends, I’ve prepared a special list of 8 things you should just not ask or talk about, with people who you really, truly don’t give a crap about and are only in conversation with for something more commonly known as small talk. Even if you feel your unvoiced opinions/unprojected questions will give birth to a toxic tumor in your brain and consume your life, don’t go there.
I realise some of these questions are often asked unconsciously without evil intent. If that’s the case, here’s your chance to save yourself. Let’s begin.
1. You look so tired.
It’s probably because that person is looking like shit. Everyone looks like shit from time to time. The eyebags won’t come to haunt you in your dreams if you don’t give them a shoutout. The person could be actually tired, which is fine, or they could just be short on their cosmetic supplies. Just don’t say it. ( I usually do a flip and if I know someone’s been feeling tired or exhausted (like a new mom), I’ll specifically say, ‘Wow, you look good despite having such a heavy load’.) Try something nice.
2. Are you pregnant? When are you due?
No. Just no. Even if its a glaring, 5000 ton mass right there between you and your friend, that to you could only possibly be another human, don’t go there. Sometimes people can just be/get fat in unexpected ways and they definitely don’t want to hear that they look like someone who should be getting prepped for delivery. I’m yet to find a woman who’ll throw a victory party on being asked if she’s pregnant when probably all that she’s been doing is upsizing her meals.
3. Oh my god, you’re already sending your kid to daycare? / What? You’re going to be a stay-at-home mom now? / Other crappy questions about moms and their decisions about their kids.
First, any such decision is always a joint product of both the parents. So if you’re dying to ask (which should never be the case), either ask both of them, or ask just the dad for a change (because that shit never happens). Second, it’s not your place to experience traumatic stress over any decision a parent makes about their child. You can ask for the sake of conversation, to exchange notes and stuff. But if any part of you is going to be hyperventilating while doing this, just forget about it. Talk about aaloo gosht or something.
4. Why did you guys get divorced?
Unless you want to marry that person’s ex, this question is absolute piss.
5. When are you getting married/re-married? When are you having kids?
Ignore that fever in your soul that’s driving you to lunacy and subjecting unsuspecting people to these terrible questions that can only give birth to an ulcer at best and nothing more. I’ve realised a lot of people ask these questions because sometimes they have nothing to talk about. Let me help you: “So what are you planning these days?”, “Anything special happening?”, “What do you like to do over the weekend?”, “Seen any movies lately?”, “Been to any new restaurants?” – If you really think about it, there are a bunch of questions you can ask without having to go to things like shadi talk and human fertilization.
6. Have you gained weight?
If you’re feeling it, it’s probably true. Does it have to be confirmed? No. No matter what your reason is, just don’t ask that question. Telling someone they’ve gained weight is never going to make them feel good. It’s rude and unnecessary and in 99.9% of the cases, people generally always know when they’ve piled on the pounds. Skip it and take a sedative at night to relax yourself if it continues to bother you.
7. You don’t look so good?….saying to someone on their freaking wedding day.
Wow. Never bash a bride. I’ve been told by someone that I didn’t look good at my wedding. I’ve had friends tell me they’ve been told the same on their shadis. Even if to you, the bride looks like a freaking chimpanzee in a gharara, tell her she looks great. What you like, she may not like and vice versa. Don’t freaking tell her that her makeup’s too light or dark, or her clothes aren’t so great, or any other crap that you feel urgently needs to be communicated. Try not saying it and you’ll realize that all your critical life organs are still functioning.
8. Oh hey, you have a pimple on your face.
We have people finding the cure to cancer and then we have people talking about zits. It could be interesting if the inflammation was on someone’s ass and they couldn’t really see it, and then perhaps you’re doing someone a favor by sharing this information. But if it’s right there on their face, it’s kinda hard to miss. Let it die it’s natural death, there’s no need to do its introductions in that person’s social circle.